Our hens started laying this week. The eggs are tiny. Beginner eggs. It's all very exciting.
I feel good at 18 weeks pregnant and have energy, something I thought I would never see again. It's easier in some ways to be pregnant with my second child. I know what kind of a mother I am. I know what things we need, which we don't. I'm secure in our choices. I don't have to troubleshoot everything or try everything this time. I know what to do with a baby and how fast it goes. I think about the birth every day (another home birth) but don't feel like it has a hold over me. I'm nesting hard, finishing up loose ends (painted the kitchen white). Just little things like knowing the garden is in good shape for next spring. Fixing Cedar's old amber necklace to use for the newcomer. Sorting and plant dyeing some onesies and collecting hand knits at street markets and spending probably too much time on etsy picking things up. Getting the moses basket ready.
The first trimester was very full of nausea and doubt. What was I thinking? Why change a good thing of the 3 of us? Did I want to do all of this again? Am I crazy? There is no way out, no way back. Just inexorable, forward. Forward to the birth. It took me a long time to adjust. And this was a baby we planned for and wanted! Okay maybe he was a tiny bit early. Motherhood is a trip.
But now I'm good with it. Looking forward to it, in the way that I look forward to camping or travel, when everything is a little harder, but also simpler. It simplifies itself down to the special essentials. You can do anything, not everything.
It will be what it will be.